Comments on: How is this piece of writing? http://www.nrfoam.org/closed-cell-foam/how-is-this-piece-of-writing/ Wed, 17 Mar 2010 10:13:59 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Leria http://www.nrfoam.org/closed-cell-foam/how-is-this-piece-of-writing/#comment-1058 Leria Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:10:59 +0000 http://www.nrfoam.org/closed-cell-foam/how-is-this-piece-of-writing#comment-1058 It seems really good, though a little rough in spots. I like the conversational tone. But you might find an email heading towards you with suggestions. I have been dying for another editting job on someone elses's work. And all you need is tweaking, really.<br><b>References : </b><br> It seems really good, though a little rough in spots. I like the conversational tone. But you might find an email heading towards you with suggestions. I have been dying for another editting job on someone elses’s work. And all you need is tweaking, really.
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]]> By: Superkitten http://www.nrfoam.org/closed-cell-foam/how-is-this-piece-of-writing/#comment-1057 Superkitten Thu, 19 Nov 2009 19:41:59 +0000 http://www.nrfoam.org/closed-cell-foam/how-is-this-piece-of-writing#comment-1057 cool, I think you can work on it some more and do some edits, but for a start it is good<br><b>References : </b><br> cool, I think you can work on it some more and do some edits, but for a start it is good
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]]> By: sandra j. http://www.nrfoam.org/closed-cell-foam/how-is-this-piece-of-writing/#comment-1056 sandra j. Thu, 19 Nov 2009 19:18:59 +0000 http://www.nrfoam.org/closed-cell-foam/how-is-this-piece-of-writing#comment-1056 too descriptive......but pretty good...<br><b>References : </b><br> too descriptive……but pretty good…
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]]> By: kickyouintheface http://www.nrfoam.org/closed-cell-foam/how-is-this-piece-of-writing/#comment-1055 kickyouintheface Thu, 19 Nov 2009 19:01:59 +0000 http://www.nrfoam.org/closed-cell-foam/how-is-this-piece-of-writing#comment-1055 very good. compelling. however: it seems like you're going for a direct talking to the reader style... but at times you seem a little aloof. the descriptions are interesting but there is a rough balance between the views of a six-year-old and the older reminiscing author. Also as a reader I feel overloaded by the descriptions of wealth and general snotty-ness. I see what you're trying to do but it might be helpful to reduce or change some of these references. For such a short piece there seems to be a lot of repetition. you can get your point across with fewer and subtler clues: e.g. you don't need to mention Clara's white glove's more than once; I would keep the second reference. it is an excellent image though and I appreciate what it evokes. I like the writing style but at times the sentences and adjectives get a bit convoluted - other times the style is very direct and I like that a lot more. The preppy and well-bred six-year-old is a somewhat disturbing idea - though I don't doubt its accuracy and find the narrator so far compelling.<br><b>References : </b><br> very good. compelling. however: it seems like you’re going for a direct talking to the reader style… but at times you seem a little aloof. the descriptions are interesting but there is a rough balance between the views of a six-year-old and the older reminiscing author. Also as a reader I feel overloaded by the descriptions of wealth and general snotty-ness. I see what you’re trying to do but it might be helpful to reduce or change some of these references. For such a short piece there seems to be a lot of repetition. you can get your point across with fewer and subtler clues: e.g. you don’t need to mention Clara’s white glove’s more than once; I would keep the second reference. it is an excellent image though and I appreciate what it evokes.

I like the writing style but at times the sentences and adjectives get a bit convoluted – other times the style is very direct and I like that a lot more. The preppy and well-bred six-year-old is a somewhat disturbing idea – though I don’t doubt its accuracy and find the narrator so far compelling.
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