Comments on: Excerpts of the chapters of my book…how does it sound? Is there potential? http://www.nrfoam.org/closed-cell-foam/excerpts-of-the-chapters-of-my-book-how-does-it-sound-is-there-potential/ Wed, 17 Mar 2010 10:13:59 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Steve http://www.nrfoam.org/closed-cell-foam/excerpts-of-the-chapters-of-my-book-how-does-it-sound-is-there-potential/#comment-1333 Steve Tue, 29 Dec 2009 05:06:59 +0000 http://www.nrfoam.org/closed-cell-foam/excerpts-of-the-chapters-of-my-book-how-does-it-sound-is-there-potential#comment-1333 Reasonably well-written. You're going to hate me for saying this, but it's better than I was expecting, from the questions you've asked previously. I think the first excerpt is better - more believable. The little details make the prison seem real. One thing - would the cells have numbers on the inside? The cells are numbered so that you can find the right one from the outside. Once you're inside a particular cell, you wouldn't need to be reminded which one it was. The second excerpt isn't written from any one character's point of view. There isn't anything particularly wrong with that, but the fashion these days is to pick one character and stick with him for the scene or the chapter, showing only his perceptions and feelings. (You can change to another character in the next scene or chapter if you want to or need to.) The description of the house is rather flat. Show me what you mean by "an old English house" or "an average American family". A few well-chosen details are better for maintaining the reader's interest than vague generalities. The characters eat all the cookies, and then eat some more of them. Continuity error, or magic? If it's magic, I'd expect someone to remark on it, and say they should stop eating and leave the house, because it's probably a trap. If it's a trap and they stay, they're heading into what romance writers call "Too Stupid To Live" territory (TSTL). This is where the author makes the heroine (it's usually the heroine) do something stupid and reckless so that the hero can then rush in and save her. Something like leaving the house on a cold night to investigate noises in the woods, without telling anyone where she's going, without putting on any warm clothes (or even any shoes), without a torch and without anything she could use as a weapon. The reader is left wondering how she managed to stay alive this long - hence, "too stupid to live." Horror movies have plenty of TSTL characters too, except there, the hero usually doesn't rush in and save them.<br><b>References : </b><br> Reasonably well-written. You’re going to hate me for saying this, but it’s better than I was expecting, from the questions you’ve asked previously.

I think the first excerpt is better – more believable. The little details make the prison seem real. One thing – would the cells have numbers on the inside? The cells are numbered so that you can find the right one from the outside. Once you’re inside a particular cell, you wouldn’t need to be reminded which one it was.

The second excerpt isn’t written from any one character’s point of view. There isn’t anything particularly wrong with that, but the fashion these days is to pick one character and stick with him for the scene or the chapter, showing only his perceptions and feelings. (You can change to another character in the next scene or chapter if you want to or need to.)

The description of the house is rather flat. Show me what you mean by "an old English house" or "an average American family". A few well-chosen details are better for maintaining the reader’s interest than vague generalities.

The characters eat all the cookies, and then eat some more of them. Continuity error, or magic? If it’s magic, I’d expect someone to remark on it, and say they should stop eating and leave the house, because it’s probably a trap. If it’s a trap and they stay, they’re heading into what romance writers call "Too Stupid To Live" territory (TSTL). This is where the author makes the heroine (it’s usually the heroine) do something stupid and reckless so that the hero can then rush in and save her. Something like leaving the house on a cold night to investigate noises in the woods, without telling anyone where she’s going, without putting on any warm clothes (or even any shoes), without a torch and without anything she could use as a weapon. The reader is left wondering how she managed to stay alive this long – hence, "too stupid to live."

Horror movies have plenty of TSTL characters too, except there, the hero usually doesn’t rush in and save them.
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]]> By: iBeatles http://www.nrfoam.org/closed-cell-foam/excerpts-of-the-chapters-of-my-book-how-does-it-sound-is-there-potential/#comment-1332 iBeatles Tue, 29 Dec 2009 04:38:59 +0000 http://www.nrfoam.org/closed-cell-foam/excerpts-of-the-chapters-of-my-book-how-does-it-sound-is-there-potential#comment-1332 Nope it is not that bad. I am crazy reader and give out great advice but from what I see, there is NOTHING wrong with it, expect you could add more action, cause I love it! Best of Lucks!!!<br><b>References : </b><br> Nope it is not that bad. I am crazy reader and give out great advice but from what I see, there is NOTHING wrong with it, expect you could add more action, cause I love it!

Best of Lucks!!!
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