These excerpts revolve around the detaining center and the abandoned house that the kids enter.
Excerpt: Nicholas Finch and the Burning Book (The scene where Nick meets Finny)
It all happened in a blur. He had never witnessed anything like it. Why did they take him? Was he alone? He wished there was someone to whisper something. He just wanted a soft word uttered from someone. He curled beside a dirty bed and lay on the cold floor, reminiscing on the good things that had happened before the kidnap. He winced at the cut on his arm from the dagger. He cried softly, looking out of the window high above his bed. He couldn’t sleep in here. How could he sleep in a place like this? Just then, he heard a noise.
"Hello?" said a voice, scared and young, "is someone there? I hear crying."
Nick’ heart skipped a beat. He was happy that someone was with him, but most of all, he was happy that it was a kid his age.
"Yes, I’m here, who are you? Where are you?" asked Nick.
"Cell number six-forty-two. The name is Phineas, but Finny is fine. Where is yours?" asked Finny. Nick said he didn’t know.
"Check the number over your bed." ordered Finny. Nick stood and looked at the number. It read: CELL NUMBER 643.
"Cell number six-forty-three." Nick answered.
"Okay. Why are we here?" asked Finny.
"I don’t know, but I want to get out so bad." Nick answered. Nick could hear Finny suck his teeth and hit the wall.
"Mom and Dad could’ve at least warned me about this." he said. "I know, this is a trick, and they wanna teach me a lesson. I bet when they let me out, they’ll say something like, ‘That’ll teach you to wreck the bottom half of the house.’ I forgot to ask. What’s your name?"
"Nicholas Finch, but Nick is fine." answered Nick.
(The scene where the kids come to The Wanting House.)
"Maybe this is a safe place." said Alexandra. She and Lacey stood close by each other, avoiding the boys. Something about them baffled Nick. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but ignored it when they came to the door of the house. Opening it, they entered. The inside looked brand new. The kitchen was in the style of an old English home. There were four bedrooms in the style of an average American family. Although they had just entered, the house smelled as if someone had baked cookies.Logan zoomed into the kitchen, placed a mitt on his hand, opened the oven, and pulled out a tray of chocolate chip cookies.
"Food!" yelled Chase, Sam, and Finny. They, along with Alex and Lacey and Nick, ran to the tray and ate the cookies until they were all gone.
"Who would leave a fresh batch of cookies in the oven?" inquired Logan. Lacey shrugged and grabbed another cookie, her black fingernails glistening in the light. Alex also grabbed another one, as if this were her first time eating them. Nick ate as much as he could until he was full. He and Finny sat at the dining room table. Finny called everyone else over.
"Okay, so maybe we need to figure something out." he said.
"You’re going to say something like, ‘Why did they kidnap us?’" said Chase.
"Exactly what I was going to say, thanks, once again," said Finny.
"Well," began Lacey, "maybe they kidnapped us because we could do something like this." She paused and lifted her finger toward a foam apple at the center of the table. The apple lifted and fell. "I still working on it, but yes, maybe it’s because of that. I don’t get it, though. How would they know who to come after? They could’ve targeted other kids like us."
"Maybe we’re the only ones in this city." thought Chase.
"That can’t be it, we can’t be the only ones."
"Well," began Nick, "all I know is that they kidnapped us for a certain reason, and I for one, am going to find out why."
Okay, so maybe it’s not much, but for a small excerpt, how were they?
Reasonably well-written. You’re going to hate me for saying this, but it’s better than I was expecting, from the questions you’ve asked previously.
I think the first excerpt is better – more believable. The little details make the prison seem real. One thing – would the cells have numbers on the inside? The cells are numbered so that you can find the right one from the outside. Once you’re inside a particular cell, you wouldn’t need to be reminded which one it was.
The second excerpt isn’t written from any one character’s point of view. There isn’t anything particularly wrong with that, but the fashion these days is to pick one character and stick with him for the scene or the chapter, showing only his perceptions and feelings. (You can change to another character in the next scene or chapter if you want to or need to.)
The description of the house is rather flat. Show me what you mean by "an old English house" or "an average American family". A few well-chosen details are better for maintaining the reader’s interest than vague generalities.
The characters eat all the cookies, and then eat some more of them. Continuity error, or magic? If it’s magic, I’d expect someone to remark on it, and say they should stop eating and leave the house, because it’s probably a trap. If it’s a trap and they stay, they’re heading into what romance writers call "Too Stupid To Live" territory (TSTL). This is where the author makes the heroine (it’s usually the heroine) do something stupid and reckless so that the hero can then rush in and save her. Something like leaving the house on a cold night to investigate noises in the woods, without telling anyone where she’s going, without putting on any warm clothes (or even any shoes), without a torch and without anything she could use as a weapon. The reader is left wondering how she managed to stay alive this long – hence, "too stupid to live."
Horror movies have plenty of TSTL characters too, except there, the hero usually doesn’t rush in and save them.
Xx